Jail Bird
by Tarabridget87
Summary: The Duke has Christian sent to Alcatraz Penitentiary to pay for stealing away Satine! Poor Christian adjusts to the life of a being a jail bird and plans his cunning escape. But what will Christian find when he returns? Please R&R!! (Completed)
1. Ch 1 Bound for Alcatraz

JAIL BIRDS  
  
Christian's beloved Satine fell into his arms; coughing all over him, and then she tragically died. Christian's eyes began to gather tears. He struggled to stifle his cry, but he couldn't hold it in any longer.  
  
He began to . . . make some rather strange noises.  
  
Everyone stood silent, unsure of what was going on. Zidler leaned over and whispered to Nini.  
  
Zidler: "What the hell is he doing? I can't tell if the boy's crying or laughing or speaking another language . . . ."  
  
Nini: "Maybe he's drunk."  
  
Just then, the back door was flung open. It was the police, led by a very angry looking Duke. The Duke turned to the Sergeant Fajita, a very portly, sweaty man holding a revolver.  
  
Duke: "There's the boy that stole my girlfriend. Arrest him!"  
  
Christian's angst had instantly vanished. He dropped Satine on the floor with a sickening thud.  
  
Christian: "I've never seen her before in my life."  
  
Then, everyone gasped as a supposed to be dead Satine sat up and glared angrily at Christian.  
  
Satine: "What did you say Christian?!"  
  
Christian knew he was in deep shit now.  
  
Christian: "Satine, my love, you're alive! I thought . . . "  
  
Satine: "No, Christian, I wasn't dead . . . I was merely testing your love for me. Now I know how you really feel!"  
  
Christian: "No, Satine! I - "  
  
Duke: "Sgt. Fajita, you see what has happened here? The boy stole my whore!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Wait a minute, wait a minute! You say this girl is a whore?"  
  
Satine: "COURTESAN!"  
  
Duke: "Yes! I paid for her in full. I came here looking for a good time. That man (pointing to Zidler) promised I would have her and the whole time she was fooling around with the boy!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: (to Zidler) "And you own this place?"  
  
Zidler: "Uh . . . "  
  
Duke: "He most certainly does! I have a good mind to report your little underworld whore house to the Better Business Bureau!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Alright, calm down! I have the situation under control. Everyone - you are ALL under arrest for either prostitution, paying for the services of a prostitute, pimping, not having a dwarf license, or (looking at the Argentinean) being an illegal alien."  
  
Argentinean: "OH SHIT! Ruuuun!"  
  
Zidler grabbed Satine and they escaped out the back door. The Duke slipped Sgt. Fajita a few thousand francs and inched away behind a curtain. Everyone else was squeezing to fit through the back door. Some ran around to find other ways out, creating chaos and confusion. After everyone had cleared, Christian was the last one left on the stage. He giggled nervously and batted his eyelashes at Sgt. Fajita.  
  
Sgt. Fajita: (disgusted) "Buddy, I'm taking you down to the station."  
  
Christian: "The station? Oh for the love of God! What will Father say? Holy mother f***ing . . . "  
  
Sgt. Fajita began to cuff him.  
  
Christian: "Officer, is this really necessary?"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Shut up! You make me sick; you're a menace to society. I'm personally making sure you are locked away."  
  
Once in the interrogation room, Christian had an emotional meltdown.  
  
Christian: (crying hysterically) "Oh, holy shit! I'm going to jail! Oh, what am I gonna do? My reputation will be scarred forever. No one will buy my books, no one will listen to my songs . . . "  
  
Sgt. Fajita: (under his breath) "No one would do that anyway."  
  
Christian: "And you know what? My father is going to hear about this and you know what he's gonna say? You know what he'll say?"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "I . . . don't . . . CARE!"  
  
Christian: "He's going to say, 'Christian, my boy, you are a failure. I knew you would never amount to anything, but I never expected you to end up in prison.' THAT'S WHAT HE'LL SAY! WAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "For the love of God, will you shut up! I can't stand another minute of your annoying, whiney voice!"  
  
Christian bit his lip, trying his best to control his sobs.  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Now, let's get this over with. Do you admit to paying for Ms. Satine's sexual services?"  
  
Christian: "NO! Never, we are in love!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: (pulling a plastic evidence bag out of a box) "Did you or did you not throw this money at Ms. Satine and say, 'I've paid my whore?'"  
  
Christian: "Well . . . I did do that."  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "That doesn't sound like love to me!"  
  
Christian gulped, realizing he was caught in a legal loophole he wouldn't be able to bullshit his way out of.  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Boys?"  
  
Two police officers grabbed Christian's arms and started dragging him away. He wailed and started kicking and screaming.  
  
Christian: "NOOO!! Please, I'll do anything!"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Take this sick bastard away."  
  
Christian: "Where are you taking me?"  
  
Sgt. Fajita: "Where they take care of people like you. A little place called . . . Alcatraz Penitentiary!"  
  
FROM BEETLE: Yes, I know . . . a little crazy. Oh well, we'll soon discover what's in store for Christian at Alcatraz! Oh yeah, review this for me please. Please add a comment/suggestion/whatever you want. :o)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Moulin Rouge or any of it's characters. I don't have any connection with the BBB, if that matters. Um, I don't know what they're doing with Alcatraz nowadays, but it's a real place. 


	2. Ch 2 Meet Bubba

CHAPTER 2  
  
Christian was on his way to his cell. He was dressed in the standard black and white striped jump suit, cuffed behind his back. All the other prisoners were observing Christian taking "the walk." They laughed and threw stuff at him.  
  
Christian: "Ugh! What rude behavior!"  
  
A loud "zip" was heard and Christian watched in horror as a fountain of urine sprang from behind some bars and landed on him.  
  
Christian: (sputtering) "OH! I've been violated!"  
  
Everyone, including the guard laughed at him. Christian frowned and felt a good cry coming on but held it in because he was didn't want them to laugh anymore than they already were. Finally, they stopped at a cell door.  
  
Guard: "Here we are!"  
  
He unlocked the door, uncuffed Christian and shoved him into the cell.  
  
Guard: "Have a nice stay . . . MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Christian, infuriated at the treatment he'd been subjected to, grabbed a nearby coffee mug and ran it side to side on the bars.  
  
Christian: "Guard . . . Guard! I want an apology for all of this! You hear me?"  
  
Christian heard the guard laugh from down the hall. Christian sighed and set down the coffee mug. He turned around to see a very fat, hairy man creep out from under the bottom of the bunk bed, glaring at him wickedly.  
  
Christian: (giggling nervously) "Oh! Uh . . . didn't know someone else was in here."  
  
Bubba: (in a southern accent) "I'm Bubba."  
  
Christian: (extending his hand) "So pleased to meet you!"  
  
Bubba glared at him and hawked a lougie in Christian's hand.  
  
Bubba: "This here is MY cell."  
  
Christian: "Well, I . . . uh . . . "  
  
Bubba stared at him menacingly and cackled, truly enjoying scaring the crap out of Christian. Christian picked up the mug and started to run it on the bars again.  
  
Christian: (his voice cracking) "Guard! Oooh, Guard! This fellow says this cell belongs to him! GUARD!!!"  
  
Bubba: "Shut up, boy."  
  
Christian gulped and set down the mug.  
  
Bubba: "Now you listen to me. You do everything I tell you and we'll make great friends."  
  
Christian: "O-okay. What do you want me to do?"  
  
Bubba thought for a moment and then came up with an idea.  
  
Bubba: "Well, you can start by giving me a sponge bath."  
  
Christian: (horrified) "What?!"  
  
Bubba then became very sensitive. He lowered his eyes to the floor and clasped his hands together.  
  
Bubba: "You see, I'm a . . . large man. There's certain places a big guy like me can't reach in the showers . . . "  
  
Christian: "Don't they hire people for things like that? Maybe the guard would know . . . "  
  
Bubba's sensitive moment passed. He became angry and yelled at him sternly.  
  
Bubba: "DON'T you argue with me, boy! You're gonna bathe me if you don't want the shit beat outta you."  
  
Christian jumped and he felt a warm, wet feeling in his tighty whities.  
  
Christian: "Uh . . . o-o-okay."  
  
Bubba's ugly face twisted into a nasty smile.  
  
Bubba: "That's more like it, boy."  
  
Bubba heaved himself off the bed and dropped his giant trousers. Christian watched in disgust as he grabbed a pail and sponge.  
  
FROM BEETLE: LOL, this is getting really strange. Please review, haha, I want to know what's going through your mind now. Read on though, the story has more to come.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Moulin Rouge or any of it's characters, or Alcatraz. 


	3. Ch 3 Pocket Pal

CHAPTER 3  
  
Christian had been working all day at the unpleasant task of sponge bathing Bubba. It was pretty disgusting at first, but after a while, Christian got used to it. Thankfully, dinner time arrived. The prisoners scrambled down to the cafeteria.  
  
Christian stood in line with his styrofoam tray, patiently waiting to be served. Once he had reached the serving table, Christian was disappointed when a man plopped cold mushy, brown stuff on his tray. Christian had rather been hoping for some hot soup. He moved down the line, each food looking quite disgusting to Christian. Christian was used to being pampered with nice food at Daddy's mansion, but he knew he left all that behind and this was his life now.  
  
Once his tray was full of "food" Christian stood in front of the vast dining hall, trying to find a spot to sit. Christian, realizing he had no friends or anyone to sit with, noted how similar this was to high school.  
  
He took in a deep breath and did a little "eenie meenie minie moe" in his head. The last "moe" ended up on a table at the back. He walked over to it and sat next to a hunched over man with a long, silver beard petting something in his pocket.  
  
Christian: "Good evening, sir!"  
  
The man, who was muttering something to himself under his breath, turned his head and looked at his Christian. His eye twitched as he studied Christian's face.  
  
Christian: "I said, good evening!"  
  
Man: "I know what yuh said, lad."  
  
Christian: "I'm Christian. What's your name?"  
  
Man: "Name's Xavier."  
  
Xavier resumed to petting the thing in his pocket.  
  
Christian: "Say, mister, what cha got in your pocket there?"  
  
Xavier lighted up at this. He turned to him and smiled crookedly.  
  
Xavier: "It be me friend, Mr. Dick."  
  
Christian: "Pardon me?"  
  
Xavier: "Yeah, when I got the time, I jus' sit and pet Mr. Dick."  
  
Christian: "Oh, I see."  
  
Xavier looked pulled open his pocket and looked down at Mr. Dick with a caring, motherly expression.  
  
Xavier: (in a babying voice) "Yes, I like to pet my Dick, don't I?"  
  
Christian nearly choked on his food. He started to become extremely uncomfortable.  
  
Xavier: "Yuh wanna see 'em?"  
  
Christian: "No, no! That's quite alright. Um . . . please, do excuse me and your Dick but I . . . have to go!"  
  
With that, he scurried from the table. Xavier sighed and stared down at Mr. Dick.  
  
Xavier: "Why do they always leave like that?"  
  
He shrugged and began to stroke Mr. Dick again.  
  
Xavier: "Oh well, maybe people jus' don't like mice . . . "  
  
FROM BEETLE: Oh behave! LOL, this is the weirdest fic I have written yet. Oh well. Please review!!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Moulin Rouge . . . yada yada yada. 


	4. Ch 4 Shower Disasters

CHAPTER 4  
  
The prisoners were led back down the gloomy halls to their cells. Christian was NOT having a good time. Once back in his cell, Christian climbed on the top bunk and laid down, staring up at the ceiling. He wondered where everyone was now. Had they all escaped the police?  
  
Bubba: "Boy! Quit playin' with yourself and get down here. It's time to hit the showers."  
  
Christian: "Showers?"  
  
Christian hadn't realized he'd have to bathe in - ugh - public showers. He cringed and but slid off the bed and followed the crowd to the showers.  
  
Christian bashfully tried to cover himself with his little white towel trying to find a shower. He turned on the faucet and gingerly dropped his towel. He felt excruciatingly embarrassed.  
  
Just then, he felt a sharp snap on his bottom. And another. And another. He spun around to see Bubba laughing at him, armed with a wet towel. Bubba dropped a soap bar in front of Christian.  
  
Bubba: "Pick it up, boy."  
  
Christian stared at the soap bar nervously.  
  
Bubba: "Pick it up!"  
  
Christian began to bend over to pick it up, but tricked Bubba and made a run for it instead. He ran out of the showers and begged the guard to take him to his cell.  
  
Standing there, naked and with a sharp pain in his bottom, he was on the verge of bursting into tears. He waited until he was back in his cell. He climbed up to the top bunk and buried his head in his pillow, crying his eyes out.  
  
Christian: "I hate this place, I hate it!"  
  
He wished he had never gotten himself into this trouble. He cried and cried until finally he fell asleep, naked and distressed.  
  
FROM BEETLE: LOL! You guys must think I'm nuts. Please don't think I'm crazy . . . This story is not meant to make any sense at all, it's just plain weirdness.  
  
DISCLAIMER: You know. 


	5. Ch 5 New Cell Mate

CHAPTER 5  
  
The next day, Christian woke to the odd feeling he was being watched. He opened his eyes and to his surprise, sitting in a chair staring at him was the Narcoleptic Argentinean!  
  
Christian: "Argentinean? What are you doing here? Where's Bubba?"  
  
Argentinean: (in his Argentinean accent) "Bubba move to different cell. I am new cell mate!"  
  
Christian: "Why have they put you here?"  
  
Argentinean: "They say I am illegal alien."  
  
Christian: "That really sucks. Well, at least we have each other now."  
  
Argentinean: "Yes, each other . . . "  
  
Christian didn't notice the eager look on the Argentinean's face.  
  
Christian: "Oh, it's so awful here! As soon as I got here they stripped me down and a man with REALLY cold hands searched my body cavities . . . "  
  
Argentinean: "I like that part . . . "  
  
Christian: "Then they forced me into this horrible jumpsuit, these horizontal stripes make me look so fat!"  
  
Argentinean: "In Argentina, meaty boys are so sexy. "  
  
Christian: "Then, worst of all was this Bubba fellow! Oh, I don't even want to get into it. I'm so glad you're here!"  
  
Argentinean: "I also glad. I very, very glad."  
  
Christian: "Would you hand me those shorts over there?"  
  
The Argentinean looked very disappointed, but handed him the shorts.  
  
Christian: "Thanks."  
  
Argentinean: "Anything in the world for you Christian."  
  
Christian stepped down from the bed.  
  
Christian: "Oh Argentinean, I absolutely hate it here."  
  
Argentinean: (nodding) "Yes, I also."  
  
Christian: "I mean, you're stuck in a small cell with one man all day."  
  
Argentinean: (smiling) "Yes . . . "  
  
Christian: "And you have to shower with other men."  
  
Argentinean: "Terrible . . . "  
  
Christian: "I can't take much more of this. I still have 3 whole years to serve. And worst of all, they won't let me write."  
  
The Argentinean shoved his hands out and one landed on Christian's crotch.  
  
Argentinean: "But you have so much talent!"  
  
Christian backed away.  
  
Christian: "Er - yeah."  
  
Christian sighed and sat on the bottom bunk, facing the Argentinean.  
  
Christian: "Tell me, what happened to Satine?"  
  
Argentinean: (flatly) "Oh . . . her."  
  
Christian: "Yes, my one, my only true love. What became of my angel?"  
  
The Argentinean sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. He lied,  
  
Argentinean: "Uh . . . I, um, think she marry Duke. Yes, that what happened."  
  
Christian: (gasps) "Married the Duke? No!"  
  
Argentinean: "Yes, so sorry."  
  
Christian: "I bet he forced her into it. We have to save her."  
  
Argentinean: "No Christian! I think she want marry Duke."  
  
Christian: "I won't believe it. She wouldn't. She loves me."  
  
Argentinean: "No, she doesn't love you."  
  
Christian became enraged.  
  
Christian: "NO! Satine loves me! I know it!"  
  
Argentinean: (folding his arms) "If Satine loves you, then why is she not here to take you out of jail?"  
  
Christian couldn't think of an answer and instead climbed back up on his bunk, curling up in a ball.  
  
Argentinean: (under his breath) "Christian, you look so sexy when you're angry . . . "  
  
An hour later, Christian was drawing things on the wall with some chalk and the Argentinean was happily tangoing with himself. Christian sighed loudly.  
  
Christian: "Argentinean, we have to escape. I need to know whether or not Satine still loves me. I have to make sure."  
  
Argentinean: "You will never escape. Even if you get by guard, we are on island. There is no way off."  
  
Christian: "I'll come up with something."  
  
FROM BEETLE: Hehe. Review, please.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Moulin Rouge, it's characters, or Alcatraz. 


	6. Ch 6 Escape Plans

CHAPTER 6  
  
The next day at lunch, Christian and the Argentinean were excitedly whispering their plans for escaping.  
  
Christian: "We'll steal spoons and dig our way out!"  
  
Argentinean: "Christian, you so smart. I love you."  
  
Christian ignored this, as he was too excited thinking about the escape.  
  
Christian: "We'll get out of this wretched place and be free once again! I'm going straight to Satine and saving her from that awful Duke."  
  
Argentinean: "Excuse me a moment . . . "  
  
The Argentinean turned around and began to cry, trying to hide his feelings from Christian. Christian was busy writing his escape route down on his hand when a shadow covered his light.  
  
Xavier: "What're yuh writin' on yer hand there?"  
  
Christian: "N-nothing . . . "  
  
Xavier: "That wouldn't be no escape plan would it?"  
  
Christian: "No! Heh heh, nothing like that."  
  
Xavier: "Lemme see it, then."  
  
Christian: "NO! Back away!"  
  
Xavier smiled crookedly.  
  
Xavier: "Well, if yeh won' lemme see it, then maybe you'll show the guard . . . "  
  
Christian: "No, that's not necessary!"  
  
Xavier: "Oooh, guard?"  
  
Christian tugged Xavier's beard down to level their faces. He whispered intently,  
  
Christian: "Alright, it's an escape plan."  
  
Xavier: "Well, lemme in on it."  
  
Christian: "No!"  
  
Xavier: "Lemme in on it and I promise not to tell the guard."  
  
Christian sighed, defeated. He had no other choice.  
  
Christian: "Fine, but keep quiet about it!"  
  
Xaiver: "I won' tell a soul."  
  
Christian: "When we go to the showers tonight, sneak in our cell and we'll start digging. Got it?"  
  
Xavier: "Got it."  
  
Christian: "Good. Now get out of here, you look suspicious!"  
  
Xavier: "Hey, Christian?"  
  
Christian: "What?"  
  
Xavier: "I can bring Mr. Dick along, can't I?"  
  
Christian froze and stared at Xavier with a frightened face.  
  
Christian: "Er - sure, you can bring your . . . dick. Just keep him in your pants."  
  
Xavier: "I promise! Mr. Dick won't be no trouble."  
  
Christian: "No . . . 'popping' out, okay?"  
  
Xavier: "Okay!"  
  
Xavier happily skipped away and Christian turned to the Argentinean, who was uncontrollably crying.  
  
Christian: "What's the matter with you?"  
  
Argentinean: "N-nothing! I just . . . uh, miss homeland - Argentina."  
  
Christian put a comforting arm around the Argentinean. The Argentinean smiled.  
  
Christian: "No worries, my friend! Once we get back to Paris I'll buy you a ticket back to Argentina. My gift to you is my ticket."  
  
Argentinean: "No, no thank you. You very generous, but I would miss you - I mean - everybody too much."  
  
Christian: "Argentinean, you've been up late crying every night and now I know why. Face it, you miss Argentina and I think it's time for you to go back. Don't worry - we'll send you post cards."  
  
Argentinean: "NO! I won't leave y- . . . everybody!"  
  
Christian: "Once you get home you'll forget all about us."  
  
Argentinean: "Never!"  
  
Christian: "Look, there's no talking me out of it. I insist on buying your ticket. You're going home as soon as we get to Paris and that's final!"  
  
The Argentinean's eyes filled with tears and he buried his face in his hands, wailing and screaming.  
  
Christian: "Aww, tears of joy! I'm such a wonderful person!"  
  
FROM BEETLE: Thanks for reading! Please review.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Moulin Rouge. 


	7. Ch 7 Use the Speedboat

A/N: I want dedicate this to one of my favorite authors, Elfreims Pie as a thank you for the dedication of her work of genius (called "Oh no! Not another Moulin Rouge parody!") to me. Thank you so much for your dedication and reviews. I love you!!  
  
CHAPTER 7  
  
Night had fallen upon Alcatraz and it was, once again, time for the boys to hit the showers. But, Christian, the Argentinean, and Xavier had an escape plan. Xavier tiptoed over to their cell and slipped in when the guard wasn't looking. They all hid under the bed, pretending they had already gone to the showers. Once everything was silent again, the crawled back out from under the bed.  
  
Christian: "Who was touching my ass under there?"  
  
Xavier: "Not me."  
  
The Argentinean looked bashful and changed the subject.  
  
Argentinean: "Never mind that! We must get started boys."  
  
So, the boys pulled out their secret stash of spoons they stole from the cafeteria. They all looked at each other excitedly and stabbed their spoons into the wall. They were immensely disappointed when their spoons snapped in half.  
  
Christian: "They're plastic!"  
  
Argentinean: "What do we do now?"  
  
Xavier: "Hang on . . . "  
  
Xavier dug deep in his pocket and pulled out a hand-held jack hammer.  
  
Christian: "Brilliant!"  
  
The Argentinean, so overcome with glee, shoved his hand out again (he really liked doing that), landing on Xavier's crotch.  
  
Argentinean: "SUCH TALENT!"  
  
Then, they all watched as something moved around and wiggled around in Xavier's pocket. Christian's eyes grew wide with shock.  
  
Xavier: "Now look what ye've done! Mr. Dick doesn't like to be woken up. Now I gotta take 'em out and calm 'em down."  
  
Argentinean: "I'll help . . . "  
  
Christian: "NOOO!!!"  
  
Xavier: "This idiot got 'em all excited. If I don't take 'em out and caress 'em he'll get even more wild."  
  
As Xavier reached into his pocket, Christian fainted.  
  
Argentinean: "Christian! Look what you have done to my lover!"  
  
Xavier: (petting Mr. Dick) "There you are, Mr. Dick."  
  
Argentinean: "What do we do now?"  
  
Xavier: "We'll just have to do without Christian."  
  
So the Argentinean lovingly laid a knocked-out Christian on the bed and the 2 conscious fellows drilled into the wall. When at last the task was finished, the Argentinean and Xavier looked at each other proudly.  
  
Argentinean: (coyly) "You do a wonderful job."  
  
Xavier: "No, it was all you - you big, beautiful thing."  
  
The two gazed at each other a moment, but then all the guys from the showers started coming down the hall.  
  
Bubba: "HEY! Those guys are tryin' to escape!"  
  
The Argentinean and Xavier exchanged terrified looks. The Argentinean scooped up Christian and they climbed out the hole as fast as they could. Once on the outside, the Argentinean slapped Christian around.  
  
Argentinean: "Christian! Wake up! How the Hell do we get off this island?"  
  
As Christian was the one who had planned their escape, the Argentinean and Xavier were left clueless. After much slapping and butt-pinching, Christian came to, but only for a moment.  
  
Christian: (very woozy) "Argentinean, use the . . . "  
  
Argentinean: "Use the force?"  
  
Christian: "No, use the Yamaha speedboat!"  
  
He concluded, pointing a weak finger at a boat placed conveniently in the water. Then he fainted again. They rushed into the boat and climbed in. Xavier took the wheel.  
  
Argentinean: "You know how to drive boat?"  
  
Xavier: "Nope! But Mr. Dick does."  
  
Mr. Dick climbed out of Xavier's pocket with a Skipper hat on and a pipe.  
  
As Mr. Dick steered the boat back to shore, the sun began to set. Xavier looked at the Argentinean affectionately.  
  
Xavier: "C'mon - I want to show you something."  
  
Xavier motioned for the Argentinean to follow him to the bow of the boat.  
  
Xavier: "Close yer eyes."  
  
Argentinean: (giggling girlishly) "Why?"  
  
Xavier: "Just trust me."  
  
Argentinean: "Okay."  
  
Xavier grabbed his hand.  
  
Xavier: "Now step up . . . Don't let go. Do you trust me?"  
  
Argentinean: "I trust you."  
  
Xavier: "Alright. Now open your eyes."  
  
The Argentinean opened his eyes.  
  
Argentinean: "I'M FLYING!!!"  
  
Xavier laughed devilishly.  
  
Xavier: "Now yeh are! HAHA!!"  
  
And with that, he pushed the Argentinean off the boat.  
  
Xavier: "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
FROM BEETLE: Oh no! What is Xavier's motive?? I'll post soon.  
  
Thanks again, Elf!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Moulin Rouge or Yamaha. 


	8. Ch 8 The Plot Unfolds!

A/N: Hey, everyone! Just want to thank you for all the lovely reviews. Schizo Elf Chick . . . you know what? I almost forgot that the Argentinean was narcoleptic! LOL!!! Your review reminded me. Oh well, I'm such a blonde . . .  
  
CHAPTER 8  
  
Christian groggily woke, rubbing the sleepies out of his eyes. He looked around and realized he was on a boat.  
  
Christian: "We made it! YAY!"  
  
Xavier said nothing, just faced the front of the boat cruising along in the water. Christian noticed that they were nowhere near the California shoreline.  
  
Christian: "Where the heck are we?"  
  
Christian, a little slow, came to even more realizations.  
  
Christian: "Wait a minute, where's the Argentinean?"  
  
Xavier: "I pushed the little bastard off the boat."  
  
Christian: "You did what?!?!"  
  
Xavier turned around, threatening Christian with a spear. Christian backed away in shock.  
  
Christian: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"  
  
Xavier: "What I planned to do all along! MWAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Christian: "What are you talking about?"  
  
Xavier: "I'm takin' yeh to London, England me boy!  
  
Christian: "London? I can't go to London now, I have to go back to Paris and find Satine!"  
  
Xavier: "Yer never goin' back to Paris - yer father's intendin' on keepin' yeh in London."  
  
Christian gasped, putting his hand to his chest in shock.  
  
Christian: "You talked to my father?"  
  
Xavier: "Yeh see . . . the day when yeh sat by me at the lunch table - yer father was there . . . "  
  
Christian: "My father was at Alcatraz? How did he . . . "  
  
Xavier: "Keep yer mouth shut if yeh want to hear the story!"  
  
Christian zipped his lips.  
  
Xavier: "Now like I was sayin' . . . Yer father saw yeh sittin' next to me at lunch that day. After yeh ran away so rudely like yeh did . . . "  
  
Christian: "YOU WERE CARESSING YOUR DICK!"  
  
Christian yelled in defense, but this only angered Xavier as he shoved to spear up to Christian's throat.  
  
Xavier: "Mr. Dick needs lovin'! He's got a hard life he does - bein' cramped up in my pants all day. The Alcatraz guards yelled at me if I brought 'em out, so there was no other choice. An' don't act like yeh wouldn't do the same fer yer own."  
  
Christian: (mumbling) "Certainly not in public . . . "  
  
Xavier didn't hear this last comment and continued the story.  
  
Xavier: "Anyway! So yer father saw yeh sittin' next to me at lunch an' that night one of the guards took me out of my cell - said I had a visitor. It was yer father and he had a little chat with me. He told me that he tried to bribe the guards to let yeh out, but they wouldn' budge. So he gave me that hand-held jack hammer and speed boat to get yeh out because he knew yeh would never go back to London on yer own."  
  
Christian: "Why would my father want me back in London? He hates me - he'd sooner let me rot in here than pay to get me out."  
  
Xavier: "Well I was gettin' to that. Yeh see, yer brother said he didn' want yer father's business and ran away. Yer father's gettin' on in years and he needs yeh to take over the business. He said he's gonna to knock some sense into yer head."  
  
Christian: "NO!!! Never! I don't want his business, I want to be a writer!"  
  
Xavier: "Too late now - we're almost there and yer father will be waitin' at the dock."  
  
Christian: "Why are you doing this? I mean - what's in it for you?"  
  
Xavier: "Well for one thing it got me outta that damned hell hole . . . "  
  
Xavier then smiled greedily and reached into his pocket, pulling out a wad of money and fanning it around.  
  
Xavier: "It was pure business, Mr. James!"  
  
Christian tried to move away from the spear so he could tackle Xavier but Xavier had him trapped.  
  
Xavier: "Don't yeh try anythin' funny - I'm not afraid to use this!"  
  
Just then something crawled up from the side of the boat and lunged at Xavier, pulling him down to the floor of the boat, his bills flying everywhere. The hero was none other than the Narcoleptic Argentinean!  
  
Argentinean: (looking to Christian) "Are you okay?"  
  
Christian: "Watch out!"  
  
Xavier leaped on the Argentinean and knocked him down.  
  
Christian: "Don't hurt my friend!"  
  
Christian ran to Xavier and lifted the little man off his feet. He spun him around a few times and then threw him into the water. The Narcoleptic Argentinean removed Mr. Dick from the wheel and threw him in as well.  
  
Argentinean: "Take your RAT too!"  
  
The two sighed heavily and Christian took the wheel of the boat. He did a U- turn and headed in the other direction towards France. The Argentinean sat in the passenger's seat.  
  
Christian: "You really saved my neck back there."  
  
Argentinean: "It was nothing."  
  
Christian: "How did you catch up with the boat?"  
  
Argentinean: "I win Olympic gold medal in swimming."  
  
Christian: "Ah, I see. Thank you for helping me out, Argentinean."  
  
Christian turned his head and smiled. The Argentinean puckered his lips and closed his eyes.  
  
Christian: "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Christian eyed him strangely.  
  
Argentinean: (embarrassed) "Oh! I was . . . um . . . "  
  
The Argentinean, unable to think of an excuse, crossed his eyes and fell back into his seat.  
  
Argentinean: "ZZZ . . . .ZZZ . . . "  
  
Christian sighed and laid a blanket over the sleeping Argentinean. He resumed steering the boat and felt relieved knowing he would not have to go back to his father.  
  
Christian: "I'm coming, Satine."  
  
FROM BEETLE: There you go Schizo Elf Chick, he fell asleep! :o)  
  
Next chapter will be up soon!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Moulin Rouge characters or the Olympics, LOL. 


	9. Ch 9 The Other Plot Unfolds!

A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait on this chapter, I was kinda on a break . . . Anywho, glad you're back to read more!!  
  
CHAPTER 9  
  
It had been days on that little boat. The Argentinean knew how little time he had left with Christian and wanted to make the most of their time left together.  
  
Argentinean: "Hey Christian, have you ever . . . experimented?"  
  
The Argentinean smirked suggestively.  
  
Christian: (focused on driving) "What are you babbling about Argentinean?"  
  
The Argentinean wrapped his bubble gum around his finger and pulled it out, teasing Christian.  
  
Christian: "Ugh! That's disgusting! Keep your gum in your mouth."  
  
The Argentinean frowned and folded his arms. This Christian was one tough cookie.  
  
Argentinean: "What I mean is . . . have you thought of . . . converting??"  
  
Christian: "Well, yes . . . "  
  
The Argentinean perked up and stared at him in amazement.  
  
Christian: "I've been thinking about becoming Jewish."  
  
The Argentinean slumped back into his seat in disappointment. Christian went on and on about his thoughts about becoming Jewish. Not exactly the type of "converting" the Argentinean was talking about. The Argentinean thought maybe it was time to muster up his courage and just plant one right on his cheek.  
  
He faced Christian and puckered his lips. He lunged himself toward Christian, but at the same time Christian had jumped to his feet.  
  
Christian: "HALLEJIUAH! We've gotten to Paris! Look at that Eiffel Tower, Argentinean! Argentinean?"  
  
Christian looked down to see the Argentinean's face smooshed into Christian's side.  
  
Christian: "What are you doing now?"  
  
Argentinean: "Oh . . . uh . . . That a great scent! What detergent is that?"  
  
Christian: "My Snuggly Wuggly Bear! He's so cute!"  
  
And Christian began to ramble on about Snuggles. The Argentinean rolled his eyes and began to tune out of Christian's voice. He could see the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Their romance was doomed! He didn't want to hear another word about this stupid Snuggly Bear, so he fell back asleep.  
  
Christian: "You foreigners sure are strange."  
  
Christian steered the boat up toward the land and hopped off.  
  
Christian: "HOME! At last!"  
  
Christian fell to his knees and kissed the ground, filling his mouth with dirt.  
  
Argentinean: "That dirt doesn't know how lucky it is . . . "  
  
Christian and the Argentinean were on their way to the Moulin Rouge. Christian promised the Argentinean that as soon as he got to see Satine again, he would buy his ticket back to Argentina first thing, not noticing the Argentinean's quivering lip and watery eyes.  
  
Christian, meanwhile, was having a great time, seeing old Montmarte again and all the strange villagers. He was quite turned on by all the women, having been in jail for a while.  
  
Christian: (whistling at an old woman with one eye and a peg leg) "Hey there, cutie!"  
  
Once at the Moulin Rouge, Christian climbed up the Elephant as quick as he could, leaving the sad Argentinean behind. He swung himself like a monkey into the Red Room and landed on his knees, with his arms open.  
  
Christian: "Ohhhh Lucy, I'm hoooome!!! . . . Shit, I mean . . . Satine!"  
  
Christian smiled wide and waited for Satine to run into his arms, but when she did not come, he opened one eye to see what was going on.  
  
There was his father sitting in his wheelchair, with Satine on his lap!  
  
Christian: "FATHER!!!"  
  
Father: "Christian!"  
  
Christian: "SATINE!!!"  
  
Satine: *gasp!*  
  
Christian: "I escape jail . . . I risk my life . . . just to see you, Satine! And this is how I find you? Scantly clad in the arms of another man! AND MY FATHER!!! I thought you loved me . . . "  
  
His father wheeled his way over to Christian and gave him a pitiful look.  
  
Father: "You see Christian? This can-can dancer doesn't love you. You don't need love."  
  
Christian: (sniffling) "B-but, all you need is . . . "  
  
Father: "NO! Love is like poison! Love is a many stupid thing. Love brings us down to Hell where we all burn. The last thing you need is love."  
  
Christian looked painfully at Satine, who was nodding her head in agreement. Christian looked at her bitterly.  
  
Christian: "Satine, why?"  
  
Satine: (in an unusually high pitched voice) "Hmmm..mmm?"  
  
Christian: "The least you could do is answer me!!!"  
  
Satine: "Mmmm . . . "  
  
Christian walked angrily toward her, Satine backing away with every step.  
  
Father: "Christian, don't go to her. It's useless! CHRISTIAN!!!"  
  
As Christian got closer, he began to see that Satine had oddly grown a red mustache and seemed to have gained about 200 pounds. He looked a little closer and saw that it was not Satine at all, but Zidler with a red wig and wearing a dress.  
  
Christian: "Zidler!"  
  
Christian's father grumbled angrily under his breath. Christian ripped the wig off his head and tossed it to the ground.  
  
Christian: "Where's Satine?"  
  
Zidler lifted his index finger and opened his mouth, as if he was about to make a serious statement, but then snapped around and ran for the door.  
  
Zidler: "Smell ya later!"  
  
Christian turned around and glared at his father.  
  
Father: "I had a feeling that psychotic, mouse-loving old man might mess up my first plan! Obviously, my back-up didn't work too well on you either, son. You might be a dumb ass, but you certainly are clever, my boy!"  
  
Christian: "Why are you doing this?"  
  
Father: "I thought perhaps if you thought this can-can dancer did not love you, you would give up, but no! You couldn't leave it alone!"  
  
Christian: "Stay out of my life!"  
  
Father: "I was hoping it would not come to this!"  
  
His father pulled out a gun.  
  
Father: "Either you come back to London or I will end this now. I will either have a respectable son or no son at all!"  
  
Christian: "Don't do anything crazy, you old bastard. I'll go with you."  
  
Christian walked toward his father, but to his father's shock, grabbed hold of the wheel chair handles and wheeled him out onto the balcony. His father screeched, his gun flying out of his hands, and with one forceful push, Christian's father rolled off the Elephant and splatted on the ground.  
  
A/N: Well, now that that's out of the way, won't be long until the much anticipated (well, not really) ending is posted!!  
  
Glad you were so amused to be addressed, Schizo Elf Chick! Here I am, doing it again!!! I love you - thanks for all the reviews! And a huge thank you to Kattydid also, you guys have been great!  
  
DISCLAIMER: See other chapter's disclaimers. (I'm getting tired of writing these.) Maybe I should mention the "Lucy I'm hooome" is from I Love Lucy . . . 


	10. Ch 10 Searching for that Redheaded Giraf...

A/N: Hey, hey readers! Have I mentioned how much I love you guys? Well, here's another chapter - please review when you finish. :o)  
  
WARNING: Usage of the "F word" in this chapter as a curse word, but it's used in a comical context. If you will be offended, I would advise you not to read this.  
  
CHAPTER 10  
  
Christian peeked over the edge and winced, seeing his father smooshed into the ground. As evil as he was, he was still his father. Christian's expression softened as he began to reminisce about good times with his father.  
  
A white, fluffy thought cloud appeared over his head. It was an image of he and his smiling father some 20 years back eating ice cream on the porch.  
  
Christian: (in thought) "We used to share ice cream together on hot, sunny days . . . no . . . wait a minute. He took my ice cream away and poked at my fat."  
  
The image of his happy father suddenly grinned wickedly and snatched away the ice cream, then poked Christian in the stomach, jeering at him. Little Christian began to cry.  
  
Christian shook this from his mind and tried to conjure up another happy thought. This time there was a happy little Christian sitting on a shiny, red bicycle.  
  
Christian: (in thought again) "There was that time he gave me my first bike . . . oh, wait . . . he smashed it up with his sledge hammer when I accidentally wet the bed."  
  
As if just having read his cue, Christian's father began to destroy his bicycle with a giant sledge hammer, a look of pure malice on his face.  
  
Christian: (desperately) "Well, at least he was nice to my old girlfriend."  
  
Christian's first girlfriend appeared in his thought cloud, but then Christian's father came sneaking in the room and started making out with the girl.  
  
Christian: "AHHH! The damn bastard deserved it! Deserved it, you hear?"  
  
Argentinean: (from far away) "Holla, holla!"  
  
Christian looked down to see that barely a foot away from the mess was the Argentinean, in shock.  
  
Christian yelled down to the Argentinean . . .  
  
Christian: "Argentinean! Satine's not here! Where can I find her?"  
  
The Argentinean frowned. Didn't Christian ever stop thinking about that red headed giraffe?  
  
Argentinean: "What's that you say? Why, yes, Christian! I'm okay. Sure, I was nearly flattened like a pancake by your plummeting father. I was so close to death that I could have had a cup of tea with the Maker. I almost died painfully and tragically, but, YES! I'M OOOOO-KAY! THANKS FOR ASKING BITCH!"  
  
The Argentinean gasped as a loud, high-pitched wail escaped his lips. He covered his mouth with a dainty hand and ran away, crying.  
  
Christian: "What's his problem?"  
  
Now, Christian was all on his own. He had to find Satine before it was too late! She and the Duke might even be married already, he had no idea what to expect when he found her. He just knew he had to find her.  
  
He ran into the busy street. People were walking everywhere. He ran through the crowd, frantically trying to find out where the Duke lived.  
  
Christian: "Do you know where the Duke of Monroth lives?"  
  
Passerby: "No, sorry."  
  
Christian: "How about you? Do you know where the Duke of Monroth lives?"  
  
Other Passerby: "Nope."  
  
Christian: "Hello - I'm trying to find the Duke of Monroth!"  
  
Another Passerby: "Can't help ya."  
  
Christian pulled on his hair in frustration and suddenly felt dizzy from all the people passing by. They were all useless!  
  
Christian: "DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING DUKE OF FUCKING MONROTH FUCKING LIVES?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
The mass of people stopped in their tracks and gaped at Christian. People gasped in astonishment, mothers covered their children's ears, truck drivers were insulted, truck driver's mothers were even disgusted.  
  
Man: "You kiss your mother and father with that mouth?"  
  
Christian: "No, I kissed my father's ass goodbye before I threw him off an Elephant."  
  
The Voice That Always Directs a Crowd's Actions: "He's crazy! C'mon let's get him!"  
  
Lots of "Yeah!"'s were heard and nods of approval were seen as the crowd began to close in on Christian. Christian gulped and raced away. They angry mob followed him in a hot pursuit as he tried to lose them.  
  
He soon realized the neighborhood he was running in was very familiar. It was his old neighborhood! He could not think of a better idea than to run to Toulouse's and hide there.  
  
Christian slammed the door to the apartment entrance and hid behind the wall as the mob could be seen running by outside through the glass door. Christian sighed with relief and then realized that the Land Lady was eying him suspiciously.  
  
Land Lady: "Haven't I seen you before?"  
  
Christian: "W-who? Me? No, no! Just here to, ah, visit a friend."  
  
The Land Lady watched him carefully as he hastened up the stairs to the top floor where Toulouse's garret was. He knocked on the door and as soon as Toulouse opened the door, Christian slithered his way in.  
  
Toulouse: "Cwistian! I thought you wewe in pwison?"  
  
Christian: (in a hushed whisper) "Me and the Argentinean escaped."  
  
Toulouse nodded knowingly and lowered his voice as well.  
  
Toulouse: "Whewe isth the Awgentinean?"  
  
Christian: "He's around here somewhere . . . Look, Toulouse. I don't mean to be rude, but I need to find Satine. Is she staying with the Duke?"  
  
Toulouse looked surprised.  
  
Toulouse: "Didn't you know, Cwistian? Satine moved into your owd gawwet!"  
  
A/N: Thank you so much for reading this. Really, you don't know how happy you reviewers make me!  
  
Kellyanne - Yeah, I'm sad to see it coming to an end too. Anne Parkington - Who knows if Christian will discover Mr. Dick's true identity? Lol!  
  
DISCLAIMER: See other disclaimers in previous chapters. 


	11. Ch 11 Bedroom Bust

A/N: Yay! I'm glad you're still with me! Not the ending yet Crystal! :o)  
  
CHAPTER 11  
  
Christian's mouth hung open. He pointed to a hole in the floor.  
  
Christian: "You mean she's - down there?"  
  
Toulouse: "Yesth . . ."  
  
Christian: "But the Argentinean said that Satine was marrying the Duke!"  
  
Toulouse: "Now why would he sthay a thing like that? The Duke never even came back to the Mouwin Wouge. But, just in case he did, Satine moved into your gawwet."  
  
Christian had been worrying over nothing the whole time! Why would the Argentinean say such a thing? Christian shook his head and headed toward the hole.  
  
Christian: "So long, Toulouse. Don't come a knockin' when the garret's a rockin', okay?"  
  
Toulouse smirked.  
  
Toulouse: "Got it."  
  
Christian swung down into the garret. Sure enough, there was Satine, brushing her hair in the mirror. She saw his reflection and gasped.  
  
Satine: "Christian! Is that you?"  
  
Christian looked seductively at Satine and walked to her. He took her in his arms and dipped her, kissing her wildly. Christian stopped to breathe and before he could go in for the kill again, Satine put a finger to his lips, giggling in surprise at his forcefulness.  
  
Satine: "Well, well! Are you the same Christian James that was petrified to show me his tighty whities? The same Christian James that ran in fear when he saw the chimpanzees in the zoo? And are you the same Christian James that nearly crapped his pants when a leaf blew by in the wind . . . "  
  
Christian kissed her again, this time just to shut her up. Satine pulled away and furrowed her brow.  
  
Satine: "Now wait a minute! I'm still mad at you!!!"  
  
Christian: "Satine - stuff a flippin' sock in it!"  
  
Once more, he planted a long, wet, sloppy kiss right on Satine's mouth. Satine drew back and panted.  
  
Satine: "Just look what prison has made you into! A wild, unchivalrous, lunatic! . . . Just the way I like 'em."  
  
Satine dropped her brush and wrapped her arms around him. Christian threw her onto the bed and hopped in, growling like a tiger.  
  
Clothes strewn on the floor, tables and lamps knocked over, and a 1899 world record of 16 hours later, Christian and Satine finally sat satisfied in bed, puffing on long cigarettes.  
  
Satine: "Christian, I never knew you had it in you."  
  
Christian: "Neither did I. That was the most - "  
  
But before Christian could finish his sentence, the door flew open and a squad of police, followed by the Land Lady came bursting in.  
  
Land Lady: "That's him alright! I knew it when I saw him come in!"  
  
The Land Lady held up a poster labeled "WANTED!" Below it was a picture of Christian and beneath that was printed, "Christian James. Wanted for: escaping jail, use of offensive language in public, and the murder of Mr. James Sr. Reward: a shit load of francs."  
  
Land Lady: "Get this crook out of my apartments!"  
  
The Land Lady waited for the police to jump Christian, but nothing happened. She whirled around to see 5 policemen staring and drooling at the exposed red head.  
  
Angered, the Land Lady slapped each of them.  
  
Land Lady: "C'mon you perverts! Take him away!"  
  
The police snapped out of it and yanked Christian off the bed and whipped out their shiny handcuffs.  
  
Christian: "NOOO! It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!"  
  
Police Man: "Don't even try that one."  
  
Just then the one-armed man walked by with a hurt look on his face.  
  
One-Armed Man: "Why does everyone always blame me?"  
  
Satine could only watch woefully as they cuffed her poor Christian.  
  
Satine: "Oh, Christian . . ."  
  
As Christian was being whacked with sticks and painfully getting all chained up, he cried out,  
  
Christian: "Satine! Everything I did - it was all so I could get to you! I love you!"  
  
Satine: "I love you, too!"  
  
Christian: "And the sex was great! I think I'll write about it."  
  
Satine: "Yes, tell our story, Christian. You're great at soft porn."  
  
Christian took one final blow to the head before he began to pass out. As they dragged the naked criminal away, he proclaimed,  
  
Christian: "I will always love you!"  
  
Satine waved goodbye until the last ogling police man left. She sighed and looked around the empty room. Then the door reopened and tall, skinny, dopey-looking Police Man entered.  
  
Police Man: "Hey! I - uh - was just thinking maybe . . ."  
  
Satine: "No."  
  
Police Man: "Oh, alright. That's cool. Whatever. I'll just - "  
  
Satine: "Goodbye!!!"  
  
Police Man: "Oh, okay - I gotcha."  
  
The Police Man slowly closed the door and Satine was once again left to her solitude.  
  
Satine: "Well, this sucks. Christian is a convict. Now I'll only be to communicate with him by writing a letter. And I'm terrible with my correspondence."  
  
Satine looked to her mail stacked to the ceiling in the corner of the room. She tossed her head back and sighed.  
  
Satine: "God help me - I'm in love with a psycho, murderous jail bird."  
  
A/N: Ha - weird chapter! There's probably only going to be one more. Thanks for reading, you guys rock! I'll try to post again soon.  
  
Kattydid - Red Headed Giraffe was sort of an inside joke with my friends because I thought this one guy was cute, but my friend said he looked like a giraffe (he was really really tall and I guess on a second look, had a long neck lol!). So, I dubbed Nicole Kidman the Red Headed Giraffe.  
  
Kellyanne - My cliff hanger was sweet revenge for all of your past cliff hangers! Haha!!!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: See disclaimer in other chapters. "It wasn't me, it was the one- armed man," is from The Mask, which they used from something else - which I can't remember! Sorry! 


	12. Ch 12 The Jail Bird and the Song Bird

**A/N:** Here's the last chapter. *sniffle, sniffle*

CHAPTER 12

_Dear Narcoleptic Argentinean,_

_            Well, here I am, back in Alcatraz. The guards finally gave me writing privileges! But besides that, things here are pretty much the same. I'm getting used to showering naked and trying to ignore Bubba. You'll never guess who my cell mate is . . . Xavier! The cops found him washed ashore in London and sent him straight back to Alcatraz. At first, I was really creeped out, but Xavier and I have grown to become friends. I suppose I can understand being tempted to do what he did so he could escape jail and make a little extra money. And guess what was in his pocket all along?! A MOUSE! The whole time I thought . . . Well, never mind that. I'm just glad it was only a mouse._

_            And guess who else is here? The Duke! The rumor is he tried to hide out in London but they found the little bastard. I guess he couldn't bribe the police enough for his freedom. I nearly died of laughter when I saw him here. It's almost like sweet revenge. The best part of it all is that . . . well, I have seen him in the showers and . . . he barely has any talent at all. _

_            I have kept in contact with my darling Satine. She tells me that things are well in good ol' Paris. I miss her so much already! Well, I only have 24 years, 212 days to go. Do me a favor, Argentinean - keep an eye on her for me until then. _

_            As I was folding up the last letter I wrote Satine, I realized there was someone else that I should write to: you, my strange, Argentinean friend. I miss your bizarre, random comments and funny accent. You are a great friend. What have you been doing? Staying out of trouble, I hope. But, I must admit that I had been a little cross with you lately. I just don't understand why you told me that Satine was marrying the Duke when he was here all along. But, no hard feelings. In fact, I can actually appreciate that now because it made me try to get out of Alcatraz all the more. _

_            Though I am back here again, I was glad just to have spent one more day with my dearest Satine. You inspire me, Argentinean. _

Sincerely, Christian 

The Argentinean held the letter close to his heart with one hand and covered his eyes in shame with his other hand. 

Argentinean: "I was so terrible to my dear, dear Christian. How could I do such a thing? I should've only wanted for his happiness. I knew he had hetero status from the start and I was just so selfish that I had to push him around and lie like I did. What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?"

The psychiatrist watched as the crazy weirdo on the couch across from him babbled on and on and on. The Argentinean was beginning to cry all over again like he had been doing the entire therapy session, clutching the letter his friend had written him from jail. 

Argentinean: "And now . . ." (biting his lip) ". . . And noooow!" (choking) "AND NOW HE'S IN JAIL AND IT'S ALL MY FAAAAAAULT! WAAA!!!"

Psychiatrist: "Er . . . it's not your fault. See, he even said he appreciated you in the letter . . . and, uh, you inspire him."

Argentinean: "He says this out of the kindness of his heart. I lied to him, I hurt him, it's my fault he was driven mad with jealousy and ended up killing his father. It's all my fault!!!!"

The psychiatrist sighed and rolled his eyes. This narcoleptic freak had only been his patient for a week and already the psychiatrist wanted to shoot himself. This guy didn't need a psychiatrist; he needed to be put away in looney bin. He was absolutely nutty! The psychiatrist was beginning to become very bored, but had to think of something to say. As he doodled on his note pad he uninterestedly asked, 

Psychiatrist: "And how will you reply to Christian's letter?"

The Argentinean sniffled and looked thoughtful.

Argentinean: "I suppose it's only honest to tell him about my relationship with my Harold Poo-Poo."

Psychiatrist: "And . . . uh . . . how do you think that will make him feel?"

Argentinean: "Well it might surprise him at first. Even I didn't know that Harold swung that way. But it really was obvious, he was always such a shnazzy dresser and he wore that stage make-up after hours. Oh, my Harold Poo-Poo is such a cutie patootie!"

Psychiatrist: "Mmmhmmm . . ."

Argentinean: "Maybe . . ." (yawn) "Maybe I could help Christian. I could try to help that jail bird escape . . ."

   
Suddenly, the Argentinean's eyes crossed and he began to snore. The psychiatrist looked up from his doodles and sighed with relief.

Psychiatrist: "Oh, finally . . . YES!!!"

The psychiatrist dragged the snoring Argentinean out of his office and set him on a bench outside. He ran back into his office and locked the door. 

Psychiatrist: "Phew! Glad that psycho's gone. Now to get back to my book!"

The psychiatrist settled on the patient couch and removed a small book from his pocket. It had a most slutty cover – a muscle-y, handsome, half naked man was holding a gorgeous, big boobed, half naked woman. The man had a large ball and chain attached to his leg. The two were in front of the Eiffel Tower, the wind sweeping by, blowing the woman's red curls everywhere to create a most appealing cover. The title read, "The Jail Bird and the Song Bird - A Story About Sex." And then below that was printed, "By, Christian James."

The psychiatrist smirked and thought aloud. 

Psychiatrist: "I just can't get enough of reading about Sapine and Christopher getting it on. Even though everything is against them, their horniness prevails. It's so god damn romantic."

He sighed longingly.

Psychiatrist: "Maybe someday I'll meet my very own Sapine . . . or my very own Christopher. I don't care, whoever comes first."

The Psychiatrist eventually fell asleep drooling on his book, dreaming about having his very own Sapine or his very own Christopher. Christian's sexy tale of a jail bird traveling across the world to return to his lover went on to satisfy the guilty pleasures of lonely people and psychiatrists abroad. But that's not the point.

The point is, Christian kept his promise to Satine. And in doing so, he gave others faith in the power and strength of love. Because no matter how far he might be from her, no matter how many pounds of steel bars may separate them, they will always love each other.

THE END  
  


"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."  - Herman Hesse

**A/N:** I couldn't resist ending it on a happy note. I'm going to miss writing this. Thank you so much, everyone, for all of the time spent reading this and your reviews. I love you! 

Especially Crystal, Kattydid, Kellyanne, Schizo Elf Chick, Anne Parkington, Black Hawk Down, and MR Rocks. You guys have been devoted reviewers, thanks so much.

**DISCLAIMER:** The usual. Don't own any of the Moulin Rouge.


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